I.

I traveled today,
to a place where, in all my sadness,
I could raise my glass amongst my friends
and enjoy my evening.
But, it was upon my return home that I was reminded
of her.
My mind was taken back to nearly one year of expressing
undying love,
making promises that neither one of us could keep.
The song ended, and I
closed my eyes and wondered.
I heard the rain drip outside on the window, as if
the world was trying to help me cry,
but try as I might, I could not.
From these memories, my thoughts drifted to you,
and though I promised both you and me that I
would not love you, I cannot help
but wonder.
My dream of you the other night was a dream so full of
potential that to even hint at it, you would be frightened,
not because my dream was one of evil, but showed a
reality which you cannot see.
So many possibilities existed,
so many difficult decisions.
This structure falls to pieces,
until it is reduced to nothing more than words scribbled on pieces of paper
and a gaping hole in my heart in which exists
the possibility of you.
This dies away to nothing,
a nothing which can be touched and held
and broken.
Everything can be broken, but the only constant is love.
I won\'t love you.
I won\'t worry you any more.



II.

Another day, only bringing more thoughts.
The same activities that once I enjoyed leave me nothing
but a want.
I won\'t, I can\'t return to loving you,
but all life is a dream,
a collaboration of all desires.
Go to him. Go to whomever you want, for I am not him,
but once the object of your desire is no longer there,
and your lust has been exhausted,
what will you be left with?
Nothing, which is what I am
and shall always remain to you.
But love, love is there when the lust has died
and still you long for more.
I had so many opportunities today,
regardless of my vow to never return to the past.
My mind stays where it is, in a lonely, dark hole
where it yearns for you.
What will occur in the days to come?
What will become of my vow?
What will become of us?
Do you understand how easy it would have
to cup your face in my hand,
pull you close to me,
kiss you,
and ruin myself?
I remember what I have said on this evening,
but will you recall what I have said
for many evenings before this night?



III.

Do not shut me out like I am some
sort of unwanted pest.
Do not ignore me as if I spoke
with words of poison.
We stared into each other\'s eyes for what
seemed like a thousand years while a breeze whipped past me.
You closed your eyes and left me standing there alone.
You ignore me and leave me standing there to question myself.
So close today.
So close.
You cannot possibly comprehend the
sadness that simply being in your presence has caused me.
And I am sorry that my own depression is pushing you
into one of your own,
and I am sorry if I talk about nothing,
forcing you to respond when you do not want to,
and I am sorry for making you think of
things that you would normally not,
but I refuse to apologize for feeling this way.
My vow threatens to give way to my emotions,
and, were it not for my own restraint and for your
denial of my emotions,
it could succeed.
I fear that my feelings will die, and
that you would have killed them, because I
refuse to return to my Hell of loneliness.



IV.

You can push me away only so much before I
begin to feel pained.
And it happened today, a day where, like all of these
previous days,
I should be happy.
You have pushed me too hard, and for that, I burst
inside with tears that cry out your name and for
love.
Why have you done this to me?
Why is it that honest and faithful love is rewarded by
pain and rejection?
What was it you said when you walked away from us?
Perhaps that is the key to at least some understanding.
I walk around this place and see an entire world
full of hatred,
or of love undeserving,
or of people who give love to others who do nothing but
use them.
I see them and I despise them and I see you, and you are the
light in this place, someone to give love room to grow,
but like magic, you can blink your eyes and turn
love to hate.
Don\'t push anymore.
You don\'t have to give in, but don\'t push,
for what will definitely occur is that we shall
both be harmed.
I am tired of this pain.
I am tired of this blackened hole that is my life.
How could I have let this happen, that I
would let myself sink deeper into this Hell?
And what of my vow?
It still stands, intact, but every time I see you or
touch you, my soul is raised high on love
and I can breathe as though I had waited an
eternity for that moment to love.
Just help me understand.
Please, before I say the words that will be my undoing.



V.

I left you today,
physically, but not emotionally.
I could never leave my feelings for you behind.
And during these past days, perhaps all I did was
awaken something hidden inside of me.
You looked so tired.
Tired, or sad,
or both.
But one thing is for certain:
that I hate seeing you like this.
What could I have done to change you?
Could you have been changed?
I can\'t seem to find the words to try to
explain what feelings grow inside me.
Lost love,
denied love,
oh, how the love that I want has been denied.
Deny me no more.
Allow me but one kiss, and though if I do,
my vow would be gone and we may be ruined,
that one kiss would mean that you too
feel something.
But what am I saying?
For you to open your heart even a little more is a
fantasy.
It is an illusion, so real that one could
taste, touch, smell, and live it,
but once you reach out to grasp it, it shatters and
dissolves.
My words cannot apologize enough to you,
nor can they fully explain my caring for you.
One more day, one more memory, one more chance,
one more pointless escape into a literary world of
love.
I\'m so tired of fighting everyone over my feelings,
and I have been weakened so much
that I fear that something may occur that will
send us both to separate.



VI.

This is it.
The final day has arrived, and I am no closer to you
than I was yesterday.
I hardly even saw you today.
I didn\'t even get the chance to say good-bye.
This week has just been a string of days where
disaster has been allowed free reign.
One disaster after another,
days of hope lost, feelings hurt, and of my soul disgusted.
But perhaps there is something to be learned from my ordeal.
There is no straight path to loving someone.
It is a chase,
it is a hunt,
it is one searching their soul for sacrifice.
Have I sacrificed anything for her or for love?
I have given up so much of my heart for her, that if any more left,
I would die.
And so I may without her.
This is short, like my thoughts,
like my day today.
I shall return home, walk through my door, and
be done with these memories.
As I have said before, I do not want to lose you, and I
do not plan on it.
And as for my vow,
we shall see.

Written March 23-28, 2003